"Tough Love" (2011) - Track 10:"The Roast of Worthless Americans"

The Roast of Worthless Americans

#10

9:30







With by far the longest duration of all of the so far LL recordings, we get a very good worthwile attempt by Lampenelli, to roast--not those one likes and has on the dais
but that one HATES and does NOT have on there, so saying that she doesn't always agree and get a say in the matter when it comes to selecting the roasted for a roast,
Lisa Lamapelli starts.

Too much kissing up to folks, Lisa, points out., and more roasting in a hostile way to those who are deemed worthless, in a nutshell, LL feels.

So.......

First the Jersey Shore takes a hit, with the "biggest suspect" Nicole "Snooki" Paloozi getting the big barb about her size.
The whole gang are called the greasiest thing to wash up in Florida and on the Jersey shore."EXACTLY what Miami needs"

Pauly D is so greasy,a pelican tried to BLEEP him.

Snooki, acccording to LL is a traffic cone

Situation? When the name's that the "Siutation" is that he's a freakin' idiot, then Lisa mentions his rap CD.

"Who raised these kids ------------  The REAL HOUSEWIVES of New Jersey?"-Lisa

Then (expectedly) the whole Kardashian Klan takes the next attack, for liking blacks, and the real Housewife
Danielle Staub for being a "hairy cougar" who Lisa, making one of the most outrageous puns I've ever heard yet,
compares to Animal planet,then makes the comparison with her private stuff to Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)(
punching a punching bag.

We then get criticisms of Lindsay Lohan's driving, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga's motherhood, and finally
Jennifer Aniston's movie, comparable, in Miss Lampanelli's words, to a terrorist bomb rejectn due, explains
Lisa, to Jennifer's total absence of talent.

We also get references to "more kids"(in a uterus) "than the noontime showing of Toy Story 3(which had come out the year before,in 2010).

Finally Lisa explains how grateful she is not to have the say all of this in front of the celebrities involved.
"In comedy", she explains, "we only roast the ones we love. But...it's been my pleasure tonight to finally make
an exception. Thank YOU...I'm Lisa Lampanelli".

And with that, the finale of the latest CD that I've done. (She's since not only done a Best of, which of course won';t be reviewed due to
already existing material making it a best of..but with a title borrowed from a 1996
special, "Back to the Drawing board" later on..)_

"Tough Love"(2011) - Track #9:"Interior Design Bitch"

Intereior Design Bitch

#9

6:53
Sorry I forgot the title in the heading.  After many entries, I, as you might have read earlier, have taken a hiatus
to take breathers and I also want to put other fun articles, but, even with this CD/DVD almost done, one or two more reviews from it are
posted.

Lisa starts out by saying that her husband Jimmy is real, alive and on Facebook, adding that he is so Italain that he gave Lisa
a ring with a finger still in there (Mafia, y'know). Howard Stern  asked Lisa if they have a mirror over the bed and LL says over
the dining room table, Lisa recalls. She then does another blacks/teeth/eyes bit, and then announces "Joe", the parole, and
announces the deportations back to Mexico of all of the Mexicans in the Lampanelli audience.

Then she mentions the gays and points out that they take things pretty well, and says that if we hate gays, we can't be her
fan any longer! (Well, I tolerate them enough for the worthwhileness of being a Lisa Lampanelli fanatic.)

You see, Lisa Lampanelli, Comedy Queen, loves the gays. In fact she loves them SO much that she's hired tham as her own
personal interior designer and decorator for her personal abode. She says a straight woman did nothing better than buy her
a "garbage can" (doing her typical hammy screaming here).

She mentions on gays as designers..a gay is a terrible thing to waste.... and then mentios Jimmy sleepwalking, and then the final of these:
"once you go fruit/your place will go cute".

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #8:"I Want to be Your Wallpaper"

I Want to be Your Wallpaper

#8

3:53

Lisa talks in this one about her flight on a plane with Jimmy stuck behind the "guy that everybody hates, the white businessmean....entitled to the
armrest"(of the plane)..the guy:"Maybe if you'd smiled more, you'd HAVE more friends." Lisa: "(AND i'm like) Really...Maybe if your thingy was
harder, you'd be one of them".

But she does say.............."as a CELEBRITY (her emphasis, folks, not mine!)... that all of them should be friendly to the public...".."I wanna be your wallpaper'..then
mentioning a lady like hooer (Lisa Lampanelli-ese for whore) ..then reveals Sarah Palin to be the person, and "your husband's thingy", probaly the afore-
mentioned white businessman.

This shows a side of LL where she like being worshipped, and rescpting fans, even to the exclusion of her own "narcissistic" image.  She even gets in a very
good comment in the title comment of just wanting to be a picture of someone (though, kind of creepily, even if it's to be someone's cellphone/iphone/computer
wallpaper).

Another very good LL show bit that lies on huge audience interaction, and one that makes the home listener or watcher feel like a true fan loved by their idol. :)

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #7:"Love Letters to LL"

Love Letters to LL

#7

6:56

The impromtu business now turns to fan/marriage letters recalling marriages:

First up,LL's own comments about making her guy and her go own a diet...no easy task..:

Never go on a diet with a guy who's fat because he'll lose more than you, more than Freddie Mercury of Queen at a steambath
....I saw a hint of a chin.



Two things that LL DOES NOT bring to the table
1.Blowies
2.Dinner
Whaddam I, your mother? (spoken like a true Italian woman!)
And "I ain't lickin' your freaking b----ls, I have a normal sized TONGUE! You would need a cow tongue to do that. With any look I'd run oudda salivia and get stuck like that
kid in 'A Christmas Story'(1983)"
Then,talks about Jimmy hopping all the way like a "hippety Hopp"
, and then in keeping with and true to the title, love letters to LL from couples recalling their letters..

One was about to go off and fight the south (blacks, this was very good)
From one black couple:
(Lisa promises they still exist):
A letter of a KFC meeting--not Kentucky Fried Chicken but Kentucky Federal Correction center

then an interracial couple:
Dear lisa, we met at a bank, she was a teller, I was robbing her

Then from a Mexican-----
"Dear Lisa:
We met on the star studded night of the Arizona Desert! We tunnelled over way
across the desert, with border patrol..but ten years a and fourteen kids later,
we're happy married

THis from a gay couple:
We had aour armpits braided at the litlith fair..14 strapons..oh never mind


FInal letter
mae/female
I met her at Madame Butterface (DON'T. ASK) emporium and it was just stress relief
not love initally buit this has two happy endings..meaning they married.

And so winds up that one and we go to the next one.."11 I Wanna be your Wallpaper"

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #6:"Jimmy Big Balls"

Jimmy Big Balls


4:21

with a continuation of the topic that ended #5, "Service that Squirrell", what do references to Rosie O'Donnell, health and beauty, boobs (Lisa's)
being bouncy and wide, and making love under a blanket in an airplane row of seats all have in common?

A place in "Jimmy Big Balls", where Lisa talks about the subject, her newest, Italian husband that we met previously in the last bit, with his
unmentionables juggling before the conversations transformations over into a bit about favoprite
The View" women then getting back to the "Big Balls", juggling like Kobe Bryant--oh wait, we're getting way ahead., here. You know who Kobe Bryant
is huh, besides a supposed rapist. He's this guy who plays basketball on TV,which, black guys steal AND which latin women dust off. Thank you.

Lisa's topic is husband Jimmy, who Lisa says, has his own facebook page.

I like how when she says "when Jimmy's sleepwalkin',take a dump"..and strongly emphasises certain words. It's one of the often repeated
trademarks of Lisa Lampan elli that make this a real good roast to listne too,..

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #5:"Service that Squirrell"

Service that Squirell

#5

3:44

LIsa Lampanelli starts out mentioning her marriage to a white guy, after a "chocolate black" marriage,
but, then, she recalls, being told by a Jewish Dr. she'd been racist, so she dated a white guy, then
mentions the difference betwen dating a black and then dating a white person, a fellow Itlaian, which
to do a little roasting of my own here, isn't that white..

The term squirrell comes up in this context, which can be taken for something, uh, hairy, on a guy (or a girl!)

I'll just leave it to the imagination.


(wicked LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Just like LL does)









She then gets to the tertiary mention of the title, telling of her making out and "service that squirrell".

Her perceprtions of her husband's unmentionabls? Oh, "three lumps of playdough".

Another mention of her contributions to Haiti:"
..but then God smiled on me"...so her hubby's junk's swell as ever.

But...it's.."A Jew with the perfect nose."

Or..
"A Latino with credit".


Some of the references to someone's organs do get sick, but this is just normal procedure for Lisa Lampanelli.

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #4:"Tastes Like A Penny"

astes like a Penny

#4

3:34

Homosexual Japanese jokes are the order of the day in this track about the George Takei's proclivity and race, as Lisa mentions her 2009
"Chocolate Please" (already referred to enough on this blog) when recorded by her for her own audiobook, and Lisa rewards him by giving
him a sexual object that hurt him so, "just to show that I'm a nice lady, I sent him somne"....HELLO KITTY STATIONERY! 

Lisa recalls George Takei tasting the stationary, and say, "Tastes like a Penny" (there's an excuse for the title of this one.)

Hey, with all due respect to both ladies, and this is the last time, what is it about Amy Schumer (who I may do a blog on) and Lisa Lampanelli where they have
titles of skits that have very little occurence in the monologues themselves?

She also calls her own book a non-best seller, in a sort of self-effecing moment.


Anyway, very funny...especially given Japanese are mentioned..:).


Hey, does anybody know exactly the meaning of the reference to a penny?
What does one taste like? This makes a enjoyable reference to George Takei
of Star Trek..!









This is the last cd bit review for maybe at least a week and a half or two
from and for this point..I haven't heard the latest, last year's
"Back to the Drawing Board", which once I hear it, will also be reviewed.

However, her birthday is coming up, 55th, in July 19, and I plan to post videos from YouTube on weekends and weekdays..

I AM planning on writing on this, but in comment forms..

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #3:"Roasts Remembered"

Roasts Remembered

#3

4:01

"But I'm a nice person. I am", commences Lisa Lampanelli, who then briefly mentions her TV specials, and then David Hasselhoff not being
an easy guy to get clearance to roast, especially when Perez Hilton spread the news, and all Lisa wanted to do was say that David had now
been drinkig so much that he'd had a liver black enough to star in "Precious" , Speaking of which, Lisa, says, the girl in "Precious" didn't
win an OSCAR becuase she'd been CRYING....she had been crying due to hungry jerks stealing her McDonald's Chicken McNuggets.

The above is a real unusual thing even for her, to crack a joke about the character Precious from that movie, but doggone, it is
quite funny and politically incorrect.

Lisa mentions a movie, "Kenkel" coming out and then a sitcom where she comes up with gut and the "c" word - gunt starring
Kirstie Alley, of all people.

Other celebrities like Jeffrey Ross and (as roasted) William Shatner before a very hilarious Brady Bunch turn into a Maureen McCormick
joke about her formerly cute and now no more..Ann B."Alice" Davis being the ****able one.


Lisa goes from one celebrity and topic to another and the ending works well....with the Brady Bunch reference refering to Maureen McCormick's physical appearances, though to me everything I see of her now still looks too..too bad about Ann B.Davis alias Alice's  death several years ago.

Then the Precious movie character crying because of no more MCDonald's Chicken McNuggetsTM being available...L.Lampanelli..that was sick....but
a verty genius joke...

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #2:"I MIss Michael Jackson"

I Miss Michael Jackson

#2

3:53

She mentions her sharing US sympathy for Haiti kids, even going there and selling LL shirts, touched on again later in the CD (only and ONLY
LL would think such a thing, as a insult comic, where kids would be, but, its LIsa)..This is then followed by comments about her desire to be a Siri GPS for a truck or car,
keyed to different indivdual minorities.

She was, now talking about Twitter, in trouble for mentioning that "Heidi from 'The Hills should not get any plastic surgery". She mentions Charlie Sheen being ready for jail where men are ready to,well,(censored)

She,regarding the surgery, that it was a reference in love toMichael Jackson points out (countered in that final seleciton) that you roast whom you
love, and she loves Michael Jackson (who had already died in 2009 at the time of "Long Love The Queen", her last album)
and then makes cutesly little praises of Michael Jackson, presumably since he's black.


Hey. In comedy, you roast the ones oyu love..
No longer can we make jokes about him. Michael Jackson, you see, thought Target stores selling boys pants half off. Michael Jackson, you, see, thought that Boyz II Men albums were selling boys to him..

Now...that he's an angel in musical celebrity heaven...sigh....no more jokes..


Note: With the current week's postings mid week, and that this is the latest LL album I've heard despite her newest,
reviews are now less frequent, and may not occur every weekend or even every single week..

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #1:"Joliet 10s"

Joliet 10s

#1

4:48

Another intro, and another CD/DVD. This is so far the last that I've been able to hear and review but anyway, after a male (this time) announcer introduces her,
with the now by  standard issue "Ladies and Gentleman, introducing Comedy's Lovebale Queen of Mean, Miss Lisa Lampanelli",Lisa starts by commenting on
someone being black--mentioning elections (Obama, natch), she mentions loving cornholers, since these gays and you know how she loves the gays.

Now for a couple of ironies, a obtuse and notable one, two gays are named Mike and Todd, as in Around the World in 80 Days 50s producer, and pioneer of the TODD AO
process, MIke TOdd, and thenmore "S" for extra lisp potential..not that Lisa has no lisp...she lisps..she does some more talks with various minority groups...She
mentions that she's in JOliet,Illinois.

Her funniest comes in a minute of a Mexican who's happy to be unemployed, who Lisa asks about his dad and mom, and then says no stifffs here, a good thing for a
Lisa Lampanelli shows, then talking to an old guy thinking he may be a Grant Wood/American Gothic type at a dirty show rather than "a Liza Minelli concert' (though
somehow I can't see a American Gothic guy "with the pitchfork" being sophisticated enough for a Liza Minenelli show, but Liza doesn't use foul anguage..whichw as Lisa's
point..nor is she black..)..

Her Joliet 10's comment indiciate that the recording was done at Joliet, Illinois, at a 2010-2011 show.(On the final track, "The Roast of Worthless Americans", #10,
"Toy Story 3" is mentioned regarding someone having kids)