Lisa Lampanelli - Chocolate, Please

Now, some Boxing day/Christmas week/New Year chocolates, enjoy them the rest of your life, losers...! :)LOL

And now, 'tis time for all roasters to roast turkey,ham,etc...

For fricking Happy holiday seasons..whether black or any other color, this Lisa Lampanelli fan wishes you all past,present and to come, happy holidays of all kinds and I know the lovable queen of mean feels the same, while she has Christmas Lasagna (I had lasagna an the above mentioned in the title myself) with her black dude, or some other guy she has..Most liekly she's still what that Italian guy Jimmy Big Balls, so happy holidays and happy new years! Suckers..no, i love you all!

Snoop Dogg roasts Lisa Lampanelli

Best of Roasts Past - Lisa Lampanelli - The Greatest Wrestler Ever (Come...

How to Roast, baste, turn over, and serve Laughs WELL!

It's not easy to be a roast comic. To do this RIGHT, you have to take the bull by its horns. Find where the sensitive spot it. Make sure that NO LAWYERS
will go after you.

Many past comics have done well..Don Rickles....Milton Berle....Phylllis Diller....Joan Rivers.....Stan Freberg.....Dean Martin......and more recently Cheslea Handler...Chris Rock....Howard Stern...Phil Hendrie...Sarah Silverman...Amy Schumer.....and the QUEEN, and TOPS now..
Miss Lisa Lampanelli. Let the four examples below show how it's done.

After roasting your turkeys, serve them up, baste them, and put them out on the platers for you and your dinner guests!!
Roast is served.; Whether it's how fat singer Meat Loaf is, drugged out Cheech and Chong are, how much of an n word
that gangsta rap or 1940s hardcore jazz black stars are, how gross Richard Pyror or Chris Farley were, or just how much
of a terrible singer Justin Bieber is (and it's all agreed he is), or any stars (like the ones mentioned in the bits I've covered
in this blog), have at it.

See the four YouTube clips from below.

Lisa Lampanelli - The Funniest Insult Stand Up

Lisa Lampanelli - The Funniest Insult Stand Up

Lisa Lampanelli - The Queen of Mean

Lisa Lampanelli- Racist jokes

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track 10:"The Roast of Worthless Americans"

The Roast of Worthless Americans

#10

9:30







With by far the longest duration of all of the so far LL recordings, we get a very good worthwile attempt by Lampenelli, to roast--not those one likes and has on the dais
but that one HATES and does NOT have on there, so saying that she doesn't always agree and get a say in the matter when it comes to selecting the roasted for a roast,
Lisa Lamapelli starts.

Too much kissing up to folks, Lisa, points out., and more roasting in a hostile way to those who are deemed worthless, in a nutshell, LL feels.

So.......

First the Jersey Shore takes a hit, with the "biggest suspect" Nicole "Snooki" Paloozi getting the big barb about her size.
The whole gang are called the greasiest thing to wash up in Florida and on the Jersey shore."EXACTLY what Miami needs"

Pauly D is so greasy,a pelican tried to BLEEP him.

Snooki, acccording to LL is a traffic cone

Situation? When the name's that the "Siutation" is that he's a freakin' idiot, then Lisa mentions his rap CD.

"Who raised these kids ------------  The REAL HOUSEWIVES of New Jersey?"-Lisa

Then (expectedly) the whole Kardashian Klan takes the next attack, for liking blacks, and the real Housewife
Danielle Staub for being a "hairy cougar" who Lisa, making one of the most outrageous puns I've ever heard yet,
compares to Animal planet,then makes the comparison with her private stuff to Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)(
punching a punching bag.

We then get criticisms of Lindsay Lohan's driving, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga's motherhood, and finally
Jennifer Aniston's movie, comparable, in Miss Lampanelli's words, to a terrorist bomb rejectn due, explains
Lisa, to Jennifer's total absence of talent.

We also get references to "more kids"(in a uterus) "than the noontime showing of Toy Story 3(which had come out the year before,in 2010).

Finally Lisa explains how grateful she is not to have the say all of this in front of the celebrities involved.
"In comedy", she explains, "we only roast the ones we love. But...it's been my pleasure tonight to finally make
an exception. Thank YOU...I'm Lisa Lampanelli".

And with that, the finale of the latest CD that I've done. (She's since not only done a Best of, which of course won';t be reviewed due to
already existing material making it a best of..but with a title borrowed from a 1996
special, "Back to the Drawing board" later on..)_

"Tough Love"(2011) - Track #9:"Interior Design Bitch"

Intereior Design Bitch

#9

6:53
Sorry I forgot the title in the heading.  After many entries, I, as you might have read earlier, have taken a hiatus
to take breathers and I also want to put other fun articles, but, even with this CD/DVD almost done, one or two more reviews from it are
posted.

Lisa starts out by saying that her husband Jimmy is real, alive and on Facebook, adding that he is so Italain that he gave Lisa
a ring with a finger still in there (Mafia, y'know). Howard Stern  asked Lisa if they have a mirror over the bed and LL says over
the dining room table, Lisa recalls. She then does another blacks/teeth/eyes bit, and then announces "Joe", the parole, and
announces the deportations back to Mexico of all of the Mexicans in the Lampanelli audience.

Then she mentions the gays and points out that they take things pretty well, and says that if we hate gays, we can't be her
fan any longer! (Well, I tolerate them enough for the worthwhileness of being a Lisa Lampanelli fanatic.)

You see, Lisa Lampanelli, Comedy Queen, loves the gays. In fact she loves them SO much that she's hired tham as her own
personal interior designer and decorator for her personal abode. She says a straight woman did nothing better than buy her
a "garbage can" (doing her typical hammy screaming here).

She mentions on gays as designers..a gay is a terrible thing to waste.... and then mentios Jimmy sleepwalking, and then the final of these:
"once you go fruit/your place will go cute".

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #8:"I Want to be Your Wallpaper"

I Want to be Your Wallpaper

#8

3:53

Lisa talks in this one about her flight on a plane with Jimmy stuck behind the "guy that everybody hates, the white businessmean....entitled to the
armrest"(of the plane)..the guy:"Maybe if you'd smiled more, you'd HAVE more friends." Lisa: "(AND i'm like) Really...Maybe if your thingy was
harder, you'd be one of them".

But she does say.............."as a CELEBRITY (her emphasis, folks, not mine!)... that all of them should be friendly to the public...".."I wanna be your wallpaper'..then
mentioning a lady like hooer (Lisa Lampanelli-ese for whore) ..then reveals Sarah Palin to be the person, and "your husband's thingy", probaly the afore-
mentioned white businessman.

This shows a side of LL where she like being worshipped, and rescpting fans, even to the exclusion of her own "narcissistic" image.  She even gets in a very
good comment in the title comment of just wanting to be a picture of someone (though, kind of creepily, even if it's to be someone's cellphone/iphone/computer
wallpaper).

Another very good LL show bit that lies on huge audience interaction, and one that makes the home listener or watcher feel like a true fan loved by their idol. :)

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #7:"Love Letters to LL"

Love Letters to LL

#7

6:56

The impromtu business now turns to fan/marriage letters recalling marriages:

First up,LL's own comments about making her guy and her go own a diet...no easy task..:

Never go on a diet with a guy who's fat because he'll lose more than you, more than Freddie Mercury of Queen at a steambath
....I saw a hint of a chin.



Two things that LL DOES NOT bring to the table
1.Blowies
2.Dinner
Whaddam I, your mother? (spoken like a true Italian woman!)
And "I ain't lickin' your freaking b----ls, I have a normal sized TONGUE! You would need a cow tongue to do that. With any look I'd run oudda salivia and get stuck like that
kid in 'A Christmas Story'(1983)"
Then,talks about Jimmy hopping all the way like a "hippety Hopp"
, and then in keeping with and true to the title, love letters to LL from couples recalling their letters..

One was about to go off and fight the south (blacks, this was very good)
From one black couple:
(Lisa promises they still exist):
A letter of a KFC meeting--not Kentucky Fried Chicken but Kentucky Federal Correction center

then an interracial couple:
Dear lisa, we met at a bank, she was a teller, I was robbing her

Then from a Mexican-----
"Dear Lisa:
We met on the star studded night of the Arizona Desert! We tunnelled over way
across the desert, with border patrol..but ten years a and fourteen kids later,
we're happy married

THis from a gay couple:
We had aour armpits braided at the litlith fair..14 strapons..oh never mind


FInal letter
mae/female
I met her at Madame Butterface (DON'T. ASK) emporium and it was just stress relief
not love initally buit this has two happy endings..meaning they married.

And so winds up that one and we go to the next one.."11 I Wanna be your Wallpaper"

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #6:"Jimmy Big Balls"

Jimmy Big Balls


4:21

with a continuation of the topic that ended #5, "Service that Squirrell", what do references to Rosie O'Donnell, health and beauty, boobs (Lisa's)
being bouncy and wide, and making love under a blanket in an airplane row of seats all have in common?

A place in "Jimmy Big Balls", where Lisa talks about the subject, her newest, Italian husband that we met previously in the last bit, with his
unmentionables juggling before the conversations transformations over into a bit about favoprite
The View" women then getting back to the "Big Balls", juggling like Kobe Bryant--oh wait, we're getting way ahead., here. You know who Kobe Bryant
is huh, besides a supposed rapist. He's this guy who plays basketball on TV,which, black guys steal AND which latin women dust off. Thank you.

Lisa's topic is husband Jimmy, who Lisa says, has his own facebook page.

I like how when she says "when Jimmy's sleepwalkin',take a dump"..and strongly emphasises certain words. It's one of the often repeated
trademarks of Lisa Lampan elli that make this a real good roast to listne too,..

Lipshtick: Lisa in Vegas!

I was in Vegas over the weekend, when Lisa was playing, but couldn't get a ticket, but anyway, Lisa returned to
bring her type of hilarious insult comedy to Legas Vegas (forgot which place though).

Anywayu one of the publications on the table of our hotel, Bally's, had an article about her that mentioned her and
Don Rickles (Naturally, you littler hockey ****load pucks!!!!!Nahhhh!!!!!!) and also the phrase "{queen of mean",
which she, said, as most of us fans will point out that we already know, was Lisa's own coinage.


So look her up, and like me, plan omn seeing that stinkmouth and stinkbomb Lisa Lampanelli, you pissbrains! Otherwise
I know you just have weak stinking beeheavies for brains.

Singing out now. Toodles.

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #5:"Service that Squirrell"

Service that Squirell

#5

3:44

LIsa Lampanelli starts out mentioning her marriage to a white guy, after a "chocolate black" marriage,
but, then, she recalls, being told by a Jewish Dr. she'd been racist, so she dated a white guy, then
mentions the difference betwen dating a black and then dating a white person, a fellow Itlaian, which
to do a little roasting of my own here, isn't that white..

The term squirrell comes up in this context, which can be taken for something, uh, hairy, on a guy (or a girl!)

I'll just leave it to the imagination.


(wicked LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Just like LL does)









She then gets to the tertiary mention of the title, telling of her making out and "service that squirrell".

Her perceprtions of her husband's unmentionabls? Oh, "three lumps of playdough".

Another mention of her contributions to Haiti:"
..but then God smiled on me"...so her hubby's junk's swell as ever.

But...it's.."A Jew with the perfect nose."

Or..
"A Latino with credit".


Some of the references to someone's organs do get sick, but this is just normal procedure for Lisa Lampanelli.

Happy 55th to the loveable Comic Queen of MeanTM!

It was on this day, July the 19th, 1961, that a very funny person was born. And then a REAL funny girl was born that date, in Conneticut, in the little-celebrated town of Trumbull, Lisa Lamanpelli, the anything-to-get-the-paty started insult comic, who says (fill in fave sexist word) for a decent night earning on stage, was brought into this world, for better or, even for some family members*, worse, as she became one of the most foul mouthed little kids since Katharine "Bridge to Terabithia" Paterson's foul mouthed Little Orphan Annie "The Great Gilly Hopkins. Gross, bitch I*okay, I'll say it), gregarious, but also loveably and extremly hilarious...ladeeeeeez and gentlemennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn give it up for COMEDY's LOVEABLE QUEEN.......OF MEAN......


MISS LISA LAMPANELLI!

*As reveleaed in her 2009 book "Chocolate Please", regards her attempts to fit in with her own family, and fitting in, for a former fat girl (and remember, she IS an insult comic and should TAKE it), lemme ya guys, as she'd say: IT AIN'T DAMN EASY FITTIN' IN WIT YOUR FAMILY UNTIL ya losa a little WEIGHT..(I've been there,too. Trust me . I know.)


So, here's to our LISA BIRTHDAY GIRL!

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #4:"Tastes Like A Penny"

astes like a Penny

#4

3:34

Homosexual Japanese jokes are the order of the day in this track about the George Takei's proclivity and race, as Lisa mentions her 2009
"Chocolate Please" (already referred to enough on this blog) when recorded by her for her own audiobook, and Lisa rewards him by giving
him a sexual object that hurt him so, "just to show that I'm a nice lady, I sent him somne"....HELLO KITTY STATIONERY! 

Lisa recalls George Takei tasting the stationary, and say, "Tastes like a Penny" (there's an excuse for the title of this one.)

Hey, with all due respect to both ladies, and this is the last time, what is it about Amy Schumer (who I may do a blog on) and Lisa Lampanelli where they have
titles of skits that have very little occurence in the monologues themselves?

She also calls her own book a non-best seller, in a sort of self-effecing moment.


Anyway, very funny...especially given Japanese are mentioned..:).


Hey, does anybody know exactly the meaning of the reference to a penny?
What does one taste like? This makes a enjoyable reference to George Takei
of Star Trek..!









This is the last cd bit review for maybe at least a week and a half or two
from and for this point..I haven't heard the latest, last year's
"Back to the Drawing Board", which once I hear it, will also be reviewed.

However, her birthday is coming up, 55th, in July 19, and I plan to post videos from YouTube on weekends and weekdays..

I AM planning on writing on this, but in comment forms..

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #3:"Roasts Remembered"

Roasts Remembered

#3

4:01

"But I'm a nice person. I am", commences Lisa Lampanelli, who then briefly mentions her TV specials, and then David Hasselhoff not being
an easy guy to get clearance to roast, especially when Perez Hilton spread the news, and all Lisa wanted to do was say that David had now
been drinkig so much that he'd had a liver black enough to star in "Precious" , Speaking of which, Lisa, says, the girl in "Precious" didn't
win an OSCAR becuase she'd been CRYING....she had been crying due to hungry jerks stealing her McDonald's Chicken McNuggets.

The above is a real unusual thing even for her, to crack a joke about the character Precious from that movie, but doggone, it is
quite funny and politically incorrect.

Lisa mentions a movie, "Kenkel" coming out and then a sitcom where she comes up with gut and the "c" word - gunt starring
Kirstie Alley, of all people.

Other celebrities like Jeffrey Ross and (as roasted) William Shatner before a very hilarious Brady Bunch turn into a Maureen McCormick
joke about her formerly cute and now no more..Ann B."Alice" Davis being the ****able one.


Lisa goes from one celebrity and topic to another and the ending works well....with the Brady Bunch reference refering to Maureen McCormick's physical appearances, though to me everything I see of her now still looks too..too bad about Ann B.Davis alias Alice's  death several years ago.

Then the Precious movie character crying because of no more MCDonald's Chicken McNuggetsTM being available...L.Lampanelli..that was sick....but
a verty genius joke...

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #2:"I MIss Michael Jackson"

I Miss Michael Jackson

#2

3:53

She mentions her sharing US sympathy for Haiti kids, even going there and selling LL shirts, touched on again later in the CD (only and ONLY
LL would think such a thing, as a insult comic, where kids would be, but, its LIsa)..This is then followed by comments about her desire to be a Siri GPS for a truck or car,
keyed to different indivdual minorities.

She was, now talking about Twitter, in trouble for mentioning that "Heidi from 'The Hills should not get any plastic surgery". She mentions Charlie Sheen being ready for jail where men are ready to,well,(censored)

She,regarding the surgery, that it was a reference in love toMichael Jackson points out (countered in that final seleciton) that you roast whom you
love, and she loves Michael Jackson (who had already died in 2009 at the time of "Long Love The Queen", her last album)
and then makes cutesly little praises of Michael Jackson, presumably since he's black.


Hey. In comedy, you roast the ones oyu love..
No longer can we make jokes about him. Michael Jackson, you see, thought Target stores selling boys pants half off. Michael Jackson, you, see, thought that Boyz II Men albums were selling boys to him..

Now...that he's an angel in musical celebrity heaven...sigh....no more jokes..


Note: With the current week's postings mid week, and that this is the latest LL album I've heard despite her newest,
reviews are now less frequent, and may not occur every weekend or even every single week..

"Tough Love" (2011) - Track #1:"Joliet 10s"

Joliet 10s

#1

4:48

Another intro, and another CD/DVD. This is so far the last that I've been able to hear and review but anyway, after a male (this time) announcer introduces her,
with the now by  standard issue "Ladies and Gentleman, introducing Comedy's Lovebale Queen of Mean, Miss Lisa Lampanelli",Lisa starts by commenting on
someone being black--mentioning elections (Obama, natch), she mentions loving cornholers, since these gays and you know how she loves the gays.

Now for a couple of ironies, a obtuse and notable one, two gays are named Mike and Todd, as in Around the World in 80 Days 50s producer, and pioneer of the TODD AO
process, MIke TOdd, and thenmore "S" for extra lisp potential..not that Lisa has no lisp...she lisps..she does some more talks with various minority groups...She
mentions that she's in JOliet,Illinois.

Her funniest comes in a minute of a Mexican who's happy to be unemployed, who Lisa asks about his dad and mom, and then says no stifffs here, a good thing for a
Lisa Lampanelli shows, then talking to an old guy thinking he may be a Grant Wood/American Gothic type at a dirty show rather than "a Liza Minelli concert' (though
somehow I can't see a American Gothic guy "with the pitchfork" being sophisticated enough for a Liza Minenelli show, but Liza doesn't use foul anguage..whichw as Lisa's
point..nor is she black..)..

Her Joliet 10's comment indiciate that the recording was done at Joliet, Illinois, at a 2010-2011 show.(On the final track, "The Roast of Worthless Americans", #10,
"Toy Story 3" is mentioned regarding someone having kids)

"Long Live The Queen" (2009)-Track #12:"My Reputation"

My Reputation

#12

5:39



Double Whammy this Wednesday

According to Lisa in this CD/DVD closer, her mother hates her so it's good thing, her audience better like her. After describing her
family and then herself and her type of jokes, Lisa asserts "you know my M(odus)O(peration)k Street Cred, Reputation"(where she
does the other pseudo Francais on "Reputation".

She then does her usual racial jokes..like Asians smell like fish, for instance, and then has everyone applaud the racials...
hitting the slopes racist if it is NOT about skiing but anti-Asian assult...then the gay folk get their due, with mentions of
Ryan Philippe, Clay Aiken, and others. One interesting thing about Ryan, that Lisa mentions, he was on (before the 2005
Oscar winning Crash) a soap oper,a the fiorst teenage gay role on a soap!

Lisa mentions she has noted that gays are going straight and asks if they've been in bed with women and then starts a mock
please-"stop making it with your gay girlfriend in high school"...then "Quit having sex with...WOMEN, cause you know the old
saying"..and here comes another of those variations.."once you go homo, the vag is a no no"(vag being short for, you now)..

THe crowd of all rces, religons, color, geners, orientaitons and the Man Upstairs only KNOWS what else laugh and applaud and leave
with Lisa L all of whom now leave us with another fully reviewed album.

With this, LL's third album is now completely revivewed.

Next one "Tough Love!"(2011) is next.

Long Live The Queen (2009)-Track #11:"Fan Appreciation"

Fan Appreciation

#11

4:37

Talking about fan meetings after the show and else-time, Lisa recalls the interchanges she has had with fans...with THEM offering
the sweet and HER offering the salty..(FAN:"Oh...LISA...I LOVED your show...this is my anniversary.."  LISA:"Oh..REALLY..WELL
I'm 37 and SINGLE...I...DON'T..CARE". LISA: ..SUDDENLY: HA!I can't believe that you bought that load of crap you retards
Thank you for putting me in a good mood....and for proving that laughter is the best medicine..(mocking FAN):"Oh Lisa, I a
m a woman living with lupus....and laughter is the best medicine" (mocking mode off) )

LISA:"Okay, you dumb twats, but I found out who the meanest twats are".

She then regards her wants to get a black by wearing chinchilla fur then describes a real horny black's respose

She really does a lot of odd voices in this particular sketch,

BLACK GUY mentioned two sentences ago:"Here's what a chinchilla looks like"
LISA:"HERE is what forty two look like..dead"(wild laughter).

The bit ends.

Surprsingly, Miss LL, no pseudo-French a la the next and final track on this CD (#12, "My Reputation")
.I've always liked how she draws laughs out of doing that mock French. Anyway..


The real best out of all of this sketch, is Lisa doing her spiel that includes the old saw  "Laughter is the best medicine"
then mocking it as I've already mentioned above. THAT ALONE is well worth listening to the part half.

Here's what a chinichilla looks like..../what forty do.....take THAT, PETA!!!!!!


The last cut starts after this. After which, the most recently heard one, 2011's
"Tough Love" will be reviewed.

"Tough Love"(2009)-Track #10:"The Luckiest Witch"*

The Luckiest Witch *(with a B instead of W)

#10

4:16

"You know, do I not have the luckiest job in the world? Am I (not) the luckiest witch?" asks an obviously satistfied Lisa Lampanelli.

Yes, Lisa, you ARE a lucky witch.

Her opening lines are about suitable divine punishments for racial attacks and her hilarious naming of such-beat a blakc-sickle cell anemia

Beat a homosexual? AIDS. Hispanics? No one really cares.

Then her airline travel taketh center stage recalling a propeller plane with a ramp, no jets, no big tube like usual..referring to the plane
offered as a "swan with two propellers attached", then falling down on her C word, (YOU guess what the word IS!) and being somehow (masochistically??) proud of it.

"I fell down on my c word"...broke it..and then does a very inspired comment, "a conversation starter and a half"(note..for me, some of
the best verbal comics are such if they can say a (insert event) and a half like LIsa Lampanelli here did..another topic...whites who adopt
ORientals (or is that WRONG?)..making another  race reference to the laundry..

Comparing a plane to a swan makes this one of several mentions of swans on this CD/DVD (#8,"Bagging a Bear", the "it was a full-out swan" was the other one).

The audience really thinks Lisa's mentions of falling and swans is funny, and I do, too.

Interesting, that she had no awareness of ANY planes BUT jet liners..:)

"Long Live the Queen"(2009)-Track #9:"Homos Are My Favourite People"

Homos Are My Favorite People

#9

5:39

Homosexuality is now the dominant, titular theme of the first part of this show as Lisa Lampanelli, or LL, comes up with yet another sick list of
different euphemisms/epithets for gays


Her list of "gay terminlogies" on HBO..including, as I could keep in mind

Fag

Queer

Poopshoot Popeye


Pudding Stool

T&^ tickler

Keeshtr Steepr


Fudge pusher

Andy Dick the comediuan


Queer and Andy Dick are the best ones in my opnion.

She then changes the topic mid-sketch to theatrical and teleivison efforts
Grease----or, the black version--Chicken Grease


Disucssing Happy Days--No blakcs--tHAT is why it'
s happy dyas

Turned once again to an individual audience member who gives away his name,. Les, of whom Lisa says, More is Les, or Les is More,
she then startig flirting and talking with him before recalling a TV "Blazing Saddles" rerun that bleeped fart noises but not the n word,
which IS terrible, since....after all...N words CAN smell MUCH MUCH worst than farts!

SHe then says she sees some teeth and eyes...a black reference, no doubt.

For gay fans, she winds up the show by this riddle: Why do f---gots do this (sings) answering not enough room for (higher note).

Yeah, confounds me too. Hey, Lisa. You going to do this stuff? Try a stronger joke..subjective, I know.

Anyway, the last ends this one.

"Long Live the Queen"(2009)-Track #8:"Bagging A Bear"

Bagging a Bear

#8


6:20


Sports now start to take centerfield in this bit.


 Say, if Lisa is into sports, could she cheerlead (WITHOUT R words..:) ).. but anyway she talks about
bagging her first (obviously black)..she mentions a hot dog usually being a parathensis but here being much more like a question mark...but here
a "full-out swan" enjoying making shadows, palm trees,etc.all over you in shadow.

Ms.Lampanelli talks about the vaious things that this "hot dog"
(to keep it clean, like THAT's possible) does.


Lisa L:"Most guys have a worm:()"...(their junk)....THIS guy's stuff was like a full out swan. He was makin' shadow puppets on the wall with it."

That little ")"

She mentions going on Howard Stern to explain how wanted to start bragging about bagging an actual bear, his team and his number, Whatever.

She mnetions:
her pwn her feeling

Her getting the poor guy on Stern

her stuff being better than "any bear that's come into the super bowl any time soon"

them not having any ideas of what football is, before the bit concludes.

"Long Live The Queen"(2009)-Track 7:"Assorted Cheese Platter"

Assorted Cheese Platter

#7

4:02

Another sketch that bears little resemblance to the title (again, a la much of Amy Schumer's available stuff like on Cutting), this is about sex,
with Lisa explaining the muscular diffulty in well, intersecting shall we shall with her man, doing the old One Missippi Two Missippi,etc.counting bit
and then mentions an assorted cheese platter, on (laughter here, can't make out, heh, pun, the next sveral words) an obvious privates reference
(or is it something anal that shall not be mentioned on this blog?) but anyway, she then mentions two Jews falling out as a result of her making out,
and then mentions more on how it (here's THAT pun again) makes out..,

The title here is REALLY irrelevant to the sketch.,.


WHAT the HELL does a CHeese Platter have to dow tih this...

The laughter REALLY covers a lot of LIsa's own monologue....live and well in some stage in USA, home of the land and...as Sarah Jessica Parker said the
following year (2010) in Sex & City 2, the land of the hormones (Kim Catrall's, and, here, Lisa Lampanelli.)

Stay aroud for another reason to say, "Long Live The Queen"!

"Long Live The Queen"(2009)-Track #6:"Enter at Your own Risk"

Enter At Your Own Risk

#6

3:29

This is Lisa's idea of discussing 2008-2012 politics, when she says that our November (2008) votes finally were counted in..
saying Barack Obama is president...she then mentions him as a black guy just wanting some change.."Time for change"..then
points out that he did have some great speeches (something which even I, for the opposition, have to agree with, but First lady
Michelle Obama sure ain't gonna like the snack food scarfin' Of Lisa...)..and then says ya gotta admit that the crazy b word
that rhymes with witch ain't i the white house, none other than one Sarah Palin (I admire her but the following is correct, but
this is largely roasting for Lisa's entire career), who is, according to Lisam, cuckoo cuckoo...

Lisa admits that like male newscasters have said, yeah okay Sarah Palin is hot compared to say, Elenoar Roosevelt but next to Pam Anderson? (all us of, politics or diet
disregarding agree with PETA that Pam is a sexy wopman and not media-brushing for interviews),  How many kids, Sarah Palin's
gotta have, does Lisa wonder, what is Sarah, BLACCCCKK (she really extends and sharply says "black"), then adding that Governor
Palin then (referriung to Bristol Palin) has to go and have a RETARD (caps reflecting how she says it,again) kid, what kinda heck
thing that this is?

The subject then changes and incorporates the title of this (a lot of Lisa, and, also, Amy Schumer's bits have the same problem relating to
the officially chosen title of the given bit.:))


Lisa then says that any blacks thinking about the unmentionable to create babies with her, had, as the title of this track says,
"Enter at your own risk". I don't know, she says which is dangerous, banging me", or playing the joker in "Batman" (for any version,
going back to the 1960s, that is..)

This ends that sketch.

(YES, this is for the CORRECT CD listing of "Long Live the Queen" (2009)..)

"Long Live The Queen"(2009)-Track 5:"LL In Real Life"

With the holiday last weekend, though I'd put in two early posts and wait till about Sunday or June 18 for the next posts.



(Note: Accideentally reviewed the 2011 TOUGH LOVE album posts...too early,sorry! Anyway I got the correct posts...those waiting for the next album will get theirs! Starting here, since this is the third of the four Lisa Lampanelli's, posts are now one to two weekends a piece on track reviews.)

LL In Real Life

#5

4:35

Starting out with a tale of being rich in Beverly Hills, Lisa recalls a tale of being served by a salesman who wants to "tell me lover"(of Lisa being present)
and this thing leads to her talking to gay men about the shopping story already being mentioned here of Lisa in Beverly Hills but wondering if it's an in-
insult to call a gay man a gay man.

She then winds up saying "I'm Looking for Coach" (the clothes brand, presumably).

SHe then talks to a black man who says his kid's name is Jared, then gets like in page 238 of her 2009 book "Chocolate Please" about black people
naming kids after automobiles like having a kid who's growing up to be a young guy driving, a "Escort"(like in a pimp) driving a "Lexus" (like the car, get it?)
then a son named "Repossessed"(yeah, Lisa, WE get it ha,ha).

She then talks about a black guy whom she has been dating, "Oh my god, he's laughin'",
and hten finished the bit, "I've had that joke written out for months for HBO but never got to do it yet until now!"

"Long Live the Queen"(2009)-Track #4:"Deaf Protest"

Deaf Protest

#4


6:12

Going ab out twice the length of the first three cuts, we find Lisa at a deaf college at a deaf protest. Her live standup with her recollecitons take us to
her meeting a college supervisor who Lisa quotes a la Yogi Bear or Fat Albert "Hey Hey HEY"(the ticked off attitude puts it to Fat ALbert, who had
his own poltical correctness associaiton) "We run a pretty big business college aorund here" and then Lisa recalls many deaf folks protesting.


Her response?

"Deaf people...aren't exactly my kind of people......for selling records....to give a soundbite".

But a newswoman came out and said to some of them,why they hated Lisa..who let it go.

Her reasons?

Her comments above regarding deaf people not being an audience for her, and her learning vile words through signage language...

A sound effect has to be added (through listening there is NO way to see it..you have to see the DVD of it...no I haven't yet.)

The sound effect?

A faggot farting...

"Long Live The Queen"(2009)-Track #3:"My Favorite People"

Roasts Remembered

My Second Favorite People

#3

2:41

Here Orientals of every kind of type and size get the spotlight. A girl; named Moira?(Irish though) gets asked a few questions then this
classic Lampanelli Asian joke.."Once you go Asian, you know math is equation", calling the race her second favorite people as in the track's
title behind everybody else and that she's not racist as some think. (Still she prefers her coffee black like her man, a la that old Airplane (1980)
quote, NOT yellow like her number 1, thus no serious Asian business).

SHe concludes with ususal; comic epitets..

"Long Live The Queen"(2009)-Track #2:"Lawful Entry"

Lawful Entry

#2

3:49



Hispanics are the next topics and of course bountifully abundunt in these shows.

As far as she's concerned, she's not jumpedwhich is felny to her...Lisa says that she's found the unicorn, asking questions like are "you a border hopper or are you a river
swimmer?"very inquisitively and with that amusin g and even endearingly harsh voice..
...very funny but then (even for her) makes a tasteless self-wish for rape aftershow.

It really improves when she
makes Miss Saigon and Hello Kitty jokes to some others...Asians having small unmentionables.

Now...who's the Swiss Army Knife of minorities. Flipino's...they have Hispanic skin and Asian eyes (avoiding string words)

She gets to the end by a comment about Santa Rosa, California being where certain people know their place.   Some of these
sound more personal in nature than others but are pretty good for afficianos of this material (Lampanelliados? :) OFFICIALLY JUST
coined a TERM there!!)

"Long Live The Queen"(2009)-Track #1:"The Fag Whisperer"

The Fag Whisperer

#1

3:22

Introduced yet again to "Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean, Miss Lisa Lampanelli", we now hear Lisa's idea of a whsiperer a la all the
horse whisperers, or Jennifer Love Huge Tits's "The Ghost Whisperer" on ABC-TV, as we hear of Lisa Lampanelli's incredible advantures
of connectioning with "fags", or gays, by whispering a la the Horse Whisperers, (whose 1998 movie introduced us, the world, to none
other than Scarlett Johannsenn!) saying: "See how much the faggots love me, you heard of the HORSE WHISPERER------I AM THE
FAG WHISPERER!"

Along the way she then notes that everyone present's black, referring to one such as "hot chocolate daddy", noting "her going down
faster than Lehman Bros.? then makes a vanilla comment. then talks to Les, an auideince member (obviously Black).

Lisa really seems to take very great pleasure in delivering the wisecrack about being the fag whisperer.

"Dirty Girl"(2007)-Track #14:"Good TImes & Good Night"

Good Times & Good Night

#14

3:20

The final bit starts with Lisa admitted that she's been msitaken for a Jewish girl, saying someone can lick it, stick it, and then talks gay people,
 apologizing for AIDS, then saying that it's a good diet!

Nobody likes a diet, she says, expcet her going on Jenny Craig and losing twenty pounds, and does some fat jokes with a racial flavor....
fat chinese, fat Jews, fat blacks, fat Hispanics. She loves the gays, hope that they stay together, "once you go queer, you stretch out your rear".

One of the Japanese girls there is named "Suzuki". LL makes a motorcycle sound as a result;.

And with that "Dirty Girl" (2007) comes to an end.

NEXT:"Long Live the Quuen!"(2009)

"Dirty Girl"(2007)-Tracks #11-13:"Looking for Love","Hummers for Heroes", & "Good Sports & Hecklers"

Looking For Love

#11

3:28
Sine 11-13 are conviently short, they'll be reviewed all in this review.

Here we go with title indicating what LL is really into, what she's been doing....looking for love.

In all the wrong places..LOL.

But not for sex? This set has a number of refences to black guys--actors,singers-----and it thus turns out to b e must listen for any fan of Lisa Lampanelli especially wanting to hear her talk her m outh off about black guys.

She isn't really looking for sex, just for love, and went to Kinko's printing, or really, it's Kinky, as Lisa gets "rear-ended",by a black guy , a chocolate "daddy" whom Lisa Lampanelli com[ares to rapper DMX and Denzel Washington combined.

She does another creepy exercise with her voice mentioning her affairs, wanting a white guy to pay the bills, a black guy to [bleep] then a Hispanic to clean up afterwards.





She plans to devote four hundred bucks to a certain black group with a five letter name, and ;promises to open the eyes of a little Ethopian's face. Ends with a Fear Factor reference and saying someone in the audience has something in her mouth.

 Hummers for Heores

#12

1:15

If Lisa Lamapnelli is anything besides insulting, it's, like many of us, supportive of our barve American Heroes.

That includes our soldiers.

And does Lisa have the present for thme.

Continuing a theme from the last few bits, Lisa Lampanerlli ;promises something for our brave soldiers....Hummers for Heroes..every "hooers and homosexual" comes to
send these.."I'm not gonna lie to you...you're  a great crowd". ,
 Good Sports and Hecklers

#13

2:49

"LIsa Lampanelli Is no liar"(again, not that she IS) She urges all of us to clap for the people...first the black guy....then the Hispanic,", quotes the 2004 film "Napoleon Dynmite" with the now famous "Vote for Pedro" quote...due to her seeing a Hispanic

After this applause festival we then hear Lisa saying some cracks like "I like your show..:)". Then she discusses Arabs, "once you go Arab then you ride a camel", another of those variaitons but no rhyme.A very good intereaction bit from Lisa.

We now go to the CD finale.....

"Dirty Girl"(2007)-Track #10:"Inside The Business"

Inside The Business

#10

2:17

Lisa takes on another group of icons, saying Ryan Seacrest is too gay, then mentions American Idol icons--judge Simon Cowell, assistant judge and former 80s/90s star Paula Abdul, and then
mentions none other than Howard Stern, and her radio appearances.

Her opinions on "Straight Up"et cetera et cetera et cetera singer/dancer/choregrapher/etc. etc.etc.Paul Abdul:
"drunk....drugged..."


Then a very unusual things comes up, and I've nevever ever heard the use of this below:


She then mentions an unusual topic---wanting a fluffer..meaning carnal adventures before going on a show, let's just say...and she wants it chocolate...

Most of her perfomance pretty well done, and with her usual horse laugh and squeals..(am I beginning to be too much like her, as I warned at the start of this
here blog, I can do this as well...>:))

Well, with that done, review of next track.

"Dirty Girl"(2007-Track #9:"Andy and Courtney"

Andy and Courtney

#9

3:19

The Andy and Courtney referred to here are comic Andy Dick and Kurt Cobain(1967-1994)survivor/wife/altnerative grunge rocker in her own right, Courtney Love,
with Lisa saying that she suffered being placed next to A ndy Dick, then she and her mom suffered the humilation of watching Courtney Love. Saying that she herself,
Lisa, never ever won a "freakin'" beauty context, Lisa then claims being much more beautiful than "Courtney Freakin' Love".

Andy then "grabbed Lisa by the neck and kissed him for five minutes"...but she's still surprised at Courtney Love being ablre tpo lick herself.

She then mentions Pam Anderson....Paris Hilton.,.,.and BEA ARTHUR!

What else CAN I say---she just gets better.

"Dirty Girl" (2007) -Track 8:"Bomb --s Coochie"

Bomb ---- Coochie

#8

1:33

With a title with a middle word that is the word "glass" or "grass" with the first two letters removed/the last three letters remaining...okay,
you getit.....Lisa gets more private and personal about her own body humor, then telling a story of her in Oakland, California, banging a
black guy, complimenting them for talking "in the sack" (see "No Freakin' Treat"), followed by the track title, calling it "groovy out there".

Ms.Lampanelli really gets more excited with her voice..sometimes sounding like a monkley..LOL

Lisa starts talking to an audience member named Darnell then starts getting more unrestrained and "insulting".

"Hey, Darnell, are you.."(fill in blank with ..)





Talking about one'
s butt does not always sound neat but this is done pretty well for what it is,anyway.
Pretty short bit, all in all.

"Dirty Girl"(2007)-Track 7:"I Have A Secret"

I Have a Secret

#7

2:37

As she starts out, Lisa admits she's always enjoyed insulting people and banging black guys, leading to a discussion of banging Hispancis and blacks
and then mentions Hispanic friend Hector (see reviews of tracks from CD 1, "Take it Like a Man", specikfically the final one, "Stereotypes").

She gets some very good mouth and voice language with her performance of a lot of these lines,,

Her good natured racial/gayslur insults comes: Ryan Seacrest, Peanut Puncher, etc.

"Dirty Girl"(2007)-Track 6:"Holiday Play"

Holiday Play

#6

3:29

Another 3:29 length LL:DG track starts out about Lisa's talk about stereotypes of her own tribe, Italians--like, "Sopranos/Mob"
connections. Next we get black/Jew/Pippins jokes and an exhortation for the members of her audience to write down these jokes.

Then, just like the title, Lisa mentions her nep;hews's Christmas play--er, Holiday Play---since atheists and Jews will not let us
poor Christian, Protestation, Mormon, or in Lisa's case Catholic peasants use the term CHRISTMAS...She goes into an improm-
tu spoof of "Jingle Bells Jingle Bells", then switches, also improptu, to "Deck the Halls with Bows of Holly".


The subject then turns to "Roots" (another African-American cultural/television reference) where, according to Lisa, you play the
TV flick backwards and blacks go bakc to Africa.

Finally a paraphrase of the video store advice:
Be kind, don't rewind.

This closes that clip which has some veyr worthwhile TV/movie references.

Another video....can't she take a bath or shower? :-)

Here's another of her, telling jokes from on stage..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9-qfDVxDBM

Ever Wanted to hear Her READ HER MEMOIRS?

I've mentioend that 2009 "auotbiog", "Chocolate Please' (heck, a short review of it WAS MY FIRST DAMN POSTS AFTER THE INTRO!!!!!!),
but here's a clip of her reading it. (c), WB Ent., Lisa Lampanelli,2009.All freakin' rights belong to HER. Not even to her siblings whom she fought with.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAt5Nc5rJ1M

"Dirty Girl"(2007)-Track 5."Disabled Insult Comic"

Disabled Insult Comic

#5 

3:29

An exploration by Comedy's Loveable Queen of Mean of more disablity humour.

Continuing from #4, "Never Park in a Crippled Space", the topic and theme of various disablities is explored and mined like a good
mine of gold and Miss Lampanelli comes up with a motherlode.

She starts out with a joke about Hellen Keller, then makes a series of "oooo" noises that sound like a farm an-
imal or something. Slavery becomes a topic again when she mentions seeing a black man in the audience, and now
really takes to another level the connection between blacks and chocolate with a wise crack about cocoa butter, adding
that blacks look the way they are because of WATER melanin (get it?), making them look younger.

The audience gives big laughs..and LL gives out with a funny "40 acres and a mule".

"Dirty Girl"(2007)-Track 4."Never Park in a Crippled Space"

Never Park in a Crippled Space

#4

4:03
This is where we find out about preferential treatment..that's PREF-ent-=ial, Senor.












New reviews now appear about once or every two weekends and also I may find other things regarding COmedy's lovable QUeen of mean to post here as well..
Juat so I don't use up all te articles..ARTICLES. Blacks, that's what is written about you if you commit a crime (LL, is that competittion-com-pet-tat-tyon(French-Canadian) for you :))
Here we get a bit that includes the old jail rape bit for people of, shall we, say CERTAIN HAPPY proclitivies. That's pro-cli-vi-ities, gay.


Here, Lisa says out to "everyone in Seattle" (after all, it doesn't always say WHERE it's filmed or recorded; a Las Vegas show on CD would be just as good,given this is one of her big places)
and asks the racial origin background of a male audience member's wife, asking if various ones were gainfully employed, or in jail,m which Lisa describes as a potential Disneyland for certain
minority gangsters of sick, pervert proclivities.

She then asks one if he's had any children.


She then concludes the bit saying she's found Bigfoot.

The Disneyland reference is one of the stock references to homosexuals in prison with masochistic tendencies that Lisa starts using more and more in these.

"Dirty Girl" (2007) - Track 3."No Freakin' Treat"

LISA LAMPANELLI LOSERS: Dirty Girl (2007) - 3.No Freakin' Treat: No Freakin' Treat

#3

3:09
Welcome to the new and PERMANENT look for this blog, bums, b words, gays, Asians,etc.

Lisa Lampanelli gets this underway with the title ("And lemme tell ya, bein' in the sack"----read: in bed---"with Lisa Lampanelli"---by now you know how
addiction to self-referring in the third person
where as Lisa Lampanelli or the abbrievated LL----"is no freakin' treat", saying she stinks, and for those with her "to leave and find the doorknob").,

She then goes on to say some unintelligible words, then some "keep in your pants" and "tuna boat" (read:  an unmentionable part of a female),
going to call a guy's wife his "nurse"..thingabob size and such description then becomes the topic for Lisa's bit for almost the remainder of the
bit.

Just to remind us where she's playing, she mentions she's in Seattle, and asks a few questions, ending the bit.

Just thinking of being with Lisa in bed.....yeccch,..,!

Lisa Lampanelli to host a new Saturday Morning Kids show

Wow..remember the mid-1980s when we had these early morning shows on Saturday..

with unconventional live comedians

The Richard Pryor Show (1984-85)

Then a year LATER after Richard Pryor disappeared from the show
Pee-Wee's Playhouse (1986-1991)


NOW...ABC will have Lisa Lampanelli host a show on Sat AM with cute little animal characters,
young children singing, in harsh New Jersey/Brooklyn accents, cute Italian kids, and the Muppets.

ABC's parent, Disney, will produce this show with Julie Andrews guest starring.



I posted a link but anyway Go here..

Dirty Girl (2007)-Track 2."As Feminine As...."

As Feminine as...

#2

3:26

Lisa talks about being feminine, as compares herself to (supposedly gay) Tom Cruise..

In the opening, she mentions having bought a black guy, and a little later mentions how they taste l,ike chicken.

She then does a roasting of a non-present Oprah Winfrey getting fat for 00:30

Other highlights:
Saying how she lights farts on fire with candles

Calling Tom Cruise gay, mentioning his being a  Scientologist

Talks about Indians and casinos (you know how they go together).

Her aversion to dating gay Indians ("double oppressed minority",a very good choice of words, and a second comment "sorry for slavery")

"I'd have t'bang 'em for slavery"

Concludes by saying "I'm only one person".

A lot of these are very inspired and well timed in going from to another of the quotes above..


THere are some forthcoming short bits, so multiple reviews will sporadically appear in some weekends..

Dirty Girl (2007)-Track 1."I Love Everybody"

I Love Everybody

#1 

3:35

This second CD olpens up with an anonymous announcer introducing Lisa L.

She identifies this as Seattle, a soccer mom/mni van-free city, a much better city.

The women she mentions should die of cancer, she says, wishing the worst on their kids. She gets underway by mentioning "twiddling", maybe a take off on "Twitter".

Harold and Kumar fans may get a kick out of the reference to some audience members being Harold and Kumar, due to their ethnicity, and get one of those "how I roll'
referenes.


Pretty good.

"Take it like a Man" (2005)-Track 12."Stereotypes"

Track #12

7:49

By far the largest track, the only one longer than  "#9.My Mother, My Man, and my Children", this starts out with Lisa yet against mentioning Hector, this time as one of the great sports for having a
good sense of humour about being racially roasted.

She's not just a comic (in this), she's also a motivational speaker.

Her books?

I'll give ya somethin to cry about

I'm okay you're not

Men are from mars, sissies from venus


Her fund?
The Lisa Lampanelli United Negro expletivies deleted fund

Becuase 12 inches is a terrible thing to waste.

Every walk of life, she notes, she needs to be in, and the n word with the R on the end cannot be used.

The word? Neighbor.

She then cracks wise wwith indidvual members of the audiuence to the end and that, therefore,
winds up this review of "Take it like a Man"-the very first major Lisa Lampanelli video/CD (titles refer only to the CDs.)

This, therefore, completes and therefore ends the very first Lisa Lampanelli CD review on this blow.









"Dirty Girl" from 2007 will be reviewed next.

Stay tuned, stinky and sick Lamapnelli friendday, and until next weekend, hopefully Saturday morning for another review and of the second
CD.

Get your plates out, another roast

Okay, Lisa Lovers and Lisa Loathers.....here Lisa Lampanelli gets prepared to Dodge
criticism as she can a-FORD to roast a CHEVY.....with no CHASE-er..

Here's Lisa's roast of Chevy Chase:
Roasting a Chevy

"Take it like a Man"(2005)-Track 11. "Kobe & Cable"

Track #11



3:59



Disclaimer: I do not at all agree with the following joke material (see below) from Lisa on Kobe Bryant,but that said:


Anyway, having just mentionede blacks in her previous ("#10, I Have a Dream") just reviewed bit,
she mentions that women raped by fallen basketball champ (and very good one originally) Kobe Bryant,
or the LA Lakers 24, shoudl enjoy it since "did you ever get a load of him"

However, despite the open disclaimer:...I enjoy Lisa L. but the bit nearly becomes a bit too shocking, but it's in fun and I can still enjoy this..Al Sharpton is then mentioned
as being far worse.. but the issue of rape tends even for me, as a Lisa Lampanelli fan, not even for her to be enitre commendable, especially in 2005, a few years after it had taken place..
overall not entirely a bad bit..."Did YOU get a load of that HOT SEXY KOBE BRYANT, ladies?" Yeah, Wendy Williams wannabe...:rolleyes" .


 This is the first of a few bits (2009's "Long Live The Queen"'s finale "My Reputation" has it too with the second title word) where Lisa takes a word
that ends in "-ion" and then takes a French approach for laughs,"EducatioN" being the case.

"Take it like a Man" (2005)-Track 10."I Have a Dream"

Track #10

4:28

Lisa starts talking about her dreams about being with blacks and then it becomes a Dr.Martin Luther King borrowing:
"I have a dream", hers being to get more African Americans.

She then turns to an audience member and asks if the girl's got a daughter Tiffany, a baby diamond, or son Car insurance or
baby Lexus, driving an escort (whcih resurfaced in her 2009 book "Chocolate Please",done during the year of her Comedy
Central special/Warner Bros.Music WMG CD "LONG LIVE the QUEEN") (get it?)

I am self-named on this blog after the horse costar of the fa mily show Gumby and I can guarantee for every SICK joke that Miss Lisa
tells that she tells CLEAN jokes (anyone wanan do a "dirty joke:horse fell in the mud"/"clean joke:horse took a bath" joke? Anyone DARE?)
for the children, then she tells some that tujrn out to be dirty ones set on an elevator.

Overall a pretty funny bit.

Watch a LL Roast!

No, dear readers, not a roast of her buit of Trump..


This is the first video to be uploaded here...:)



Lisa roast!

"Take it like a Man" (2005)-Track 9. "My Mother, My Man and my Children"

Track #9

6:49

Here we have near seven minutes to review for an entire post, and it's one of the funniest things ever done by Lisa, and shows again her (at near 3 min) talent for sound effects..

She starts out apologizing for her jokes about her mother, whom according to her hates Lisa's boyfriend, who, being black, has a JOB--he ain't Hispanic.

She says that she "doesn't cheat",has a good lookin' fifty year old black guys with kids...and jokes also include blacks banging refrigerators and her new Ford F100 that, through her voice effects as
described, can make racist sounds.

Afterwards the conversation switches to talks of gay celebrities, where she roasts (without them being ther,e the best kind as she'll tell anyone) gay celebrities, Clay Aiken being particularly mentioned,
as well as Rubuen Stoddard of the earlier "Amrerican Idol" seasons, then the talk turns to an uppity white woman calling a raido show where Ms.Lampanelli had been guest-starring.

"No one loves black people MORE than Lisa Lampanelli..No one loves black people more OFTEN than Lisa Lampanelli". A funny if totally predictable "black people across the border" joke comes up.


We get back to a few more gay jokes and kids (in Lampanelli audience) gags and then mixed with race jokes to end the bit, the second longest (to the finale) on this album and show.

Four more from "Take it like a Man"(2005)

Forgot about doing this on Saturday and it was Valentine's day..and some of these are short, sohhhhhhh

LL lovers I will post these from Comedy's (and Comedy Central's and Standup's) Loveable Queen of Mean, the Donna Rickles, first CD:

"The Train to Browntown"

Track #5

1:39

Starts out with Lisa Lampanelli talking to the audience about staring at people and quotes women calling each
other that unmentionable B word.

Highlights include her asking someone if they're hispanic, and then facetiously ordering them to
keep their hands out of others purses. She also addresses a married man as a little Hispanic husband

She does a good, brief, 1:39 length job at roasts...



"Pillow Talk" Track #6

4:19

No Doris Day talk, but lots of talk about athlete's foot in the shower. Lisa talks of being paroled to an audience member. The show
satarts to have some more of Miss Lampanelli's weird sounds and for the first time her play on the inevitable "Once you go black/
you never go back" catchphrase, already much parodied and lampooned much more recently in 2010's "Vampires Suck" appears
(in which movie the phrase was: "Once you go bat/you never go bak". Here it's "Once you go black you're gonna use your crack".

A little later an extremely inspired play on a legendary princess tale appears, Strok-a-hontas, presumably due to a Native American
woman's appearance. Her humor then turns later to Peeing in the shower which is taking this in a real off the wall fashion..

Any way, now with 4:20 minutes, we now get to have a much longer bit of comedy bits than in the last one before.


Next is  "Men Are Good & Women are Beautiful", a phrase mentioned in the following and last.
Track #7

2:45

This bit starts out with Lisa talking about private stuff, and doing a play on the old television and radio advertisements for Oscar Meyer Wieners
"your baloney has a name".

Here Lisa sharts mentioning her Mexican friend Hector who reappears in her final monologue.

Talk about Rubbish and Jungle also appears and makes this pretty good..if just over two minutes

And finally
"It's Funny Because It's True"Track #8


2:06

Liosa starts out with calling both men and women beautiful and telling her friend Hector to get "hot sauce on your chimichanga" and mentions the bits title.

THe real big funny stuff here comes when she asks how could men take their unmentionable and put it behind the womens headlights and makes a sick-playing
(you can guess what it is) sound effect.

Fat Girl Interrupted..!

Right now I wish I were in Dixie......no make that Westport, Connecicut, as Lisa Lampenelli (as announced on her Facebook) has just
premiered her new comedy play which she did most of the material, but this is not just some one-woman show as several others are in the cast,
and with the title of her "Chocolate please"(2009) chapter, itself a spoof of 1999's "Girl Interrupted"...:
FAT GIRL, INTERRUPTED.

It humorously deals with fat just like "Vagina Monologues" does for vaginial issues, it has four female characters intteracting with each other on the issue.

25 Powers Court, Westport, Conn.

"Take It Like A Man"(2005)-Track 4."The Train to Brown Town"

Track #4

Time:2:00


Lisa and her life in Brown Town...

Ever wonder what a town full of black guys be like?

Lisa Lampanelli always did love black and brown guys.,.In this she talks about getting the perfect such colored guy and being on
the train to...yes...you guessed it...Brown Town.

SHe starts out about discussing "disgusting, ugly, black fags"
and getting on, per title, "the train to downtown beeeyotch".

The part about "Take me Brown Town" as mentioned (expletive deleted) is said in a typical "pseudo-cranky" screech voice
that I find particuarly amusing....and works even better as a audio thing rather than seeing h


Riffing on the old Coke ad
"Just for the taste of it"..

She goes on to discussing never buying a new car again..and a la her book "Chocolate Please" black female names
---Shanequia
---Placenta

(In her book, pub.2009, she recalled googling for the name "Shanequia" but then getting "Did you mean that witch(not exact word) Sharon?"

Again, this being her, brown can mean something disgusting that shall be AWOL totally and completely on this blog.

and Nine and a half year of blacks is the coup de grace, the piece de ristance for this Lampanelli track.

Takea bow, LL.

A lot of vewyr goioid timing that really comes off well as a CD, even more so than onscreen or live.

"Take it Like a Man" (2005):Track 3:"Take it Like a Man"

#3

2:12

(title track)

This one, like the title suggests, has Lisa reassuring that what she does is just a roast and guys, particularly, should not be
offended ("take it like"..ahhh...you know the saying and title).

"People should be able to take a joke...take it like a man"!

"I called a guy and he says
[expletive deleted] you [rhymes with witch"

One real funny thing is a reference to curry being stronger thana deodorant, then
quotes the old "strong enough for a man but made for a woman" Secret(tm/r) deodorant
advertising campaign

A little later near the end she refers to chicken wings and her friend Hector (often men tioned through hewr act on this CD)

She acknowledges liking guys who can take a joke, in keeping with the title of this bit, also mentioning girls in relaiton to this bit.

This is mayb e a quite important and crucial track since it acknowledges that Lisa Lampanelli's stuff is meant in fun, to take it like a man
(or woman..but mostly of all, like a man!)


Since then, Lisa Lampanelli is NOT the QUEEN of MEAN but the LOVABLE queen of MEAN...actually COMEDY's LOVABLE QUEEN of MEAN.

"Take It Like a Man" (2005):Track 2: "Hector, My Parents & Soccer Moms"

HECTOR, MY PARENTS & SOCCER MOMS

Track #2

Time:1:51



With the Intro done, here is an instant funny bit that gets "Take it like A Man" under way.

Lisa starts here with the following:

"Love that little (nasty word for Latin)"

"Once you go Hispanic your mom and dad start to Panic".







Hector is a f riend that gets mentioned a lot in Lisa Lampanelli bits and is a target for her fuinny stuff.

Her basic topics here are on her parents and soccer moms, which she gives and imaginative description of.

The rhymes, like the "Once you go black you never go back", already turned on its head a lot (2010's "Vampires Suck", for one, just put in "bat" for "black")
will get a lot more twisted through this and the four CD's and specials after.

"Take it Like a Man" (2005):Track 1: "Intro"

INTRO


Track #1


1:38


This first track on any LL album has the obligatory welcome.

Lisa mentions her longtime Hispanic buddy Hector (who turns up in her later CDs/shows)

Among the highlights:
"Even though you're kind of a black white guy.."

"The bigger the pushin'"

"Once you go black the cops will attack".

Te jokes are the kind that you'll find..and enjoy if you are a fan or wanting to be
(or otherwise retch at ..)

So, not much to say, just another intro..


It's a sufficient way to start off the very first of comedy's great, loveably, self-described queen of mean.....Turnbull, Connetticut's very own
MISS LISA LAPANELLI (b.7/19/61).

At 1:38, it's decent enoguh to start off the first CD.

"Chocolate Please' (Book, 2009)

One of the main goals, here at least, is to give chronological and track by track reviews of the Lisa Lampanelli soundtrack (from the TV sepcials) DVD from, as it currently
stands, 2005's "Take it like A MAN!" to 2011's "Tough Love', and we plan to do that, one each Friday, just to not use up all of this blog...>!!


But anyway here is a short review of 2009's Chocolate Please, the book about MIss Lampanelli
and her rise to fat,m and skinny stardom..


The book mentions, in brief, her growing up in Conneticut, a young Catholic girl sharing a not quite so holy
experience with her mom, even relating on page 95 a story about her sister and her mom that's both funny
and shocking, and which I won't give away here.

She then gets to mentioning her roasts and her own personal
...that's per-son-a-l reivews, -- on black names, babysitters (hot ones are best!) and even gets near the end
to her roasting beloved folk singer Joan Baez just for popularizing Kum-Ba-Ya (you know.."(insert sentence)...
KUM-ba-ya (insert another sentence) KUM-ba-ya..etc.

CHOCOLATE....CHOCOLATE..for candy lovers..is that candy we love. CHOCOLATE..in Lisa's world though,
means African-American (the whole the way that I just wrote that one is in loving tribute to her
definitions of everything things for various ethinic groups..like a BOOK..(blacks) is something a judge
throws at you...

So without further ado..read the next one..

Introduction

Or...Intr-r-roduck-tion (as Miss LL-as she calls herself-would call say it-she loves that faux French)


Hello folks...

A thing to be considered:
An INSULT is to make one feel angry.

A ROAST (the spoken type) is to good-naturedly insult one of your friends or favorites and they SHOULD NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL outta it.

So says, or would have said, Comedy's Loveable Queen of Mean, Miss LISA LAMPANELLI, born on July 19, 1961, in Trumbull, Conetticut.

Now, for the unitiated (as if there are STILL unitiated!) LISA LAMPANELLI is a fat blonde east Italian broad who has a horrid voice and a razor
sharp tongue. She also smells like a tuna casserole.

Or meat for Sylvester Stallone to box In Rocky while Talia Shire looks on. When I think of
Lisa Lampanelli I think of a sick person. When I think of Lisa Lampanelli I think of a pig.'

And coming from me, Pokey, Gumby'sd hore, this blog seems out-of-character, but this is a roast and we only roast the ones we love...

Lisa Lampanelli stinks and when she opens up her big trap she stinks (in other words she's very funny and I think EVERONE might secretly agree...)

Besides schoring humor, Lisa has acting roles, and we need to find an IMPORTAND acting role. Even if a relative small one. In 2008, she appeared in
"Drillbit Taylor" with Owen Wilson, Leslie Mann and others. She played a bully's mom, identified as (despite no last name officialy given to the bully,Ronnie), Mrs.Lampanelli!

Back to her insult humor...

Nothing is sacred..scared, another issue.


Anyway, actually, that's her type of humor. All of it is just in fun!

Lisa Lampanelli did not really become big till she was around 40 in 2000 when a guy (you may know him as Howard Stern) hired Lisa for his
tremendous nationally syndicated radio comedy show.

That guy (you may know him as Howard Stern) became one of the main conduits (not
to be confused with anything dirty) helped LL (as she calls herself) to her success.

You can checkr 2009 book, "Chocolate Please", for more of it (www.amazon.com)

Oh. And the chocolate she is referring to is black guys, That radio guy (you may know him as Howard Stern) knew it. That guy (you may..oh,
you get the idea!) had some black guys on there.

As for Lisa, she's b ecome a longtime cable TV and Las Vegas standup putdown (new coinage!) comic, and made TV specials/CDS/DVDS that we'll
take a look at.

Over the next year or so, I'll start this fourth blog of mine, with reviews of each of Lisa Lampanelli's specials/CD's from 2005-2011

Reviews start Sunday first then Friday or Saturday thereafter, stinking fans (I refrain from the obscene aprts of her dialogue....)

2005 "Take it Like a Man"

2007 "Dirty Girl!"

2009 "Long Live the Queen" (Her book was published that year. See above.)

2011 "Tough Love" (which I bought from Amazon)

Kind of like mine and others's animaiton/"TV blogbs where each episode is reviewed. And of course, post-Tough love DVD/specials tracks and later books
and appearances ESPECIALLY if (like at Vegas) I get a chance to see them (I may put up blogs to other comics like Phil Hendrie and Miranda Sings, both
due for some..)